


Scared

by RevisionaryHistory



Series: The Care and Feeding of Nathan [18]
Category: Nathan Sykes (Musician), The Wanted (Band)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-05
Updated: 2016-04-05
Packaged: 2018-05-31 11:13:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6467986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RevisionaryHistory/pseuds/RevisionaryHistory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nathan's throat isn't getting any better</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Nathan has my hand in a death grip. The Dr. here in the Bahamas’ finished his exam and left the room to consult with the Dr. In Los Angeles. I immediately climbed on the exam table. My leg was curled where I was pretty much wrapped around him. I rubbed his back while he progressively gripped my hand tighter. I didn't have it in me to tell him he was hurting me. Instead I kissed his cheek and whispered that I loved him. He gave me a weak smile and a kiss.

The grip on my hand got tighter when the Dr. came back in the room. I stopped rubbing his back in favor of holding on. "I've spoken with Dr. Richardson and we've compared previous diagnostics to today's. The nodule is significantly worse. There are indications of recent if not ongoing hemorrhage. That's not bleeding into your throat, but within the tissue. Like a bruise. We agree that you need to return to Los Angeles for surgery on Thursday."

Nathan was nodding and the Dr. started to go on. I looked from where the color was draining from Nathan's face to the Dr. "Stop." I looked back to Nathan, "Breathe." I watched him let out the breath he was holding, take a deep breath, then slowly release it. I looked back to the Dr., "You can go on." He just needed a second to let it sink in before he drowned in too much information.

"Your Dr. will be able to give you more specific details; however the surgery takes about an hour. You'll be under general anesthetic, but should go home that day. After a period of no talking what so ever you'll slowly increase vocal stress. Rehab and recovery will be dependent on how you heal and adherence to instructions."

Nathan's croaky voice said one word, "Prognosis?" I gave his fingers a squeeze and sat my chin on his shoulder, making sure he knew I was that close.

The Dr. met Nathan's eyes, "With proper rehab and retraining of bad habits there's an excellent chance for complete recovery." He held out his hand, "Good luck, Nathan. Dr. Richardson’s office will be calling soon with a pre-op appointment and surgery time. Book your flight." 

We got in the car back to the hotel and I took Nathan's phone. First call went to Nano "Hey, we're on our way back. We'll fill you in when we get there, but he needs surgery. Can you get us a flight out tonight?" Nano assured me he'd have arrangements done before we got back and have our bags packed if needed. He'd gather the rest of the guys so they could all get the update.

Nathan took his phone to call his mom, "Hey mom, just seen the Dr." He held out the phone to me, "She can't hear me." His voice on a cellphone hasn't worked for a while. 

I took it from him, "Hey Karen, it's Kristin. We’ve just left the Drs. He needs surgery. We're back to the hotel then LA. It'll be Thursday, but we don't have a time yet. It's bad enough they want it done immediately." That sounded scary to me and I wasn't his mom. I quickly added, "Nothing life threatening, just needs to be done."

Her voice was calm, but concerned. We were both in crisis mode, "How's he doing?"

I decided that telling her he was pale and I was worried he might pass out wasn't the thing to say. "A little shaky, but hanging in there."

She laughed a little, "Meaning he's pale and going to faint."

"Well, you know how he is." The shared laugh felt good.

"You'll take care of him. I trust you're going back to LA and staying with him?"

I was taken a little off guard by the first sentence. "Yes, I was staying to Friday anyway. I'll see what happens."

"Good, he needs you with him. I'll get us a flight as soon as I can. You'll let me know when you have details?"

Now I was almost speechless, "I will. See you tomorrow then. I'll hand him the phone so you can talk."

For the next minutes he nodded and held my hand. I could hear Karen's voice, but only make out the occasional word. Wasn't my business anyway. I watched him wipe away a tear, growl out an "I love you too, mom", and hit the end button. 

Time to take care of my baby. I let go of the hand I was holding to slide it around his shoulders. He folded around me, burying his face in my neck, "I'm scared."

I squeezed him as tight as I could, "I know." 

I wasn't surprised by him needing surgery. His voice wasn't getting better. Or it would get better for a few days and then be even worse. All along he'd known there was a chance for surgery and we'd talked about the possibility. About a month ago we'd sat on the phone researching. Just in the last year Adele, John Mayer, Christina Perry, and Keith Urban had the same surgery. Through an article on Adele we'd learned that in recent years there'd been more advances in detection and surgical techniques that made the surgery low risk. However, each case was unique, which was why Nathan had asked about prognosis. Until now we'd kept the discussion distant. It was what happened to them, not what was happening to him. This wasn't the time to remind his rational mind all we'd found out. It was time to hold him and let him be scared. "I'm scared too. I love you."

"I love you. How long can you stay?"

I pulled away from him and took his face in my hands, "As long as you need me to. I've got sick days and if need be I'll just marry you and take family leave." I kissed him very slowly and softly.

He shook his head, "No family leave. We'll need your paycheck to live on if I can't sing."

I knew he was teasing, but I also knew that was his fear. "You'll be able to sing again. Maybe have to sing different, but you'll sing." Before we could say anything else his phone rang. Dr Richardson’s office. "Want me to take it?" He nodded and handed me the phone. After explaining who I was and that Nathan was sitting beside me I put the phone on speaker. Nathan gave his approval for me to have access to any of his medical information and for them to update me. The nurse would have him sign the forms when he came in tomorrow. Surgery would be early Thursday morning and he'd be home that afternoon. She went over the basic pre-op and surgical details and said the Dr. would cover the rest tomorrow. Yeah, that wasn't going to work. "I know that every case is different, but we've got a really long plane ride and too much imagination. Can we have some information now? We realize it's general, but I'd really appreciate it."

I could hear the smile in her voice, "I can answer any questions you have." The rest of the car ride was spent gathering information that I could pass onto the boys and his family. I don't know that we felt better after the call, but we did at least have more information. And in my world information means less anxiety, and anything that decreases anxiety is a good thing. Xanex included.

While we were talking to the nurse Nano texted that we had some time before we needed to head to the airport and he had everyone in his room. We made our way there and entered a way too somber room. I looked at Nano, "What'd you tell them?"

He shook his head, "Nothing. They just got here thirty seconds before you two."

Jay sat down with his elbows on his knees, "What the Dr. say?"

Nathan's hand was rubbing his throat, "Gotta have surgery on my birthday."

A chorus of curses and apologies came from the group. Then there were hugs and telling him it would be alright, they'd do whatever he needed. He nodded sadly. Or sacredly. Max looked between us, "Should you be talking?"

Nathan laughed almost hysterically, "A little late for that, but probably not. Kris'll fill you in."

"Let's get your parents on speaker phone and do this once." After everyone was "in" the room I shared what we'd learned. "The Dr's. compared pictures of his throat and it's worse. There's been more bleeding. Like a bruise, not actually blood in his throat." I watched Jay get paler. "The surgery takes about an hour and he'll go home. Absolutely no talking, no coughing, no sneezing, no laughing, no nothing for at least the first weeks. Then they'll literally teach him how to whisper without straining his vocal cords. Very limited use initially. Then it will depend on how he's healing. Basically he's looking at a month of recovery then he will start rehab. He'll work with a speech pathologist to learn how to sing without doing damage. Time to get back to performing is sometime after that month. Completely dependent on how he's healing and he can't be doing every night shows initially, or he'll have to only sing less."

Tom jumped in, "Lip syncing every other show maybe."

I shook my head, "Nope. Lip syncing is just about as bad. Still strains the vocal cords. Can be worse because you can't tell how much you're straining because you're making no sound."

Another round of curses. Jay was sitting next to me and was bent over with his head between his knees. I rubbed the back of his neck, "Someone get me a wet washcloth." I kept talking while Kelsey brought me a washcloth and I laid it on Jay's neck. "Surgery's not super painful, but he'll be having pain meds just in case. So he gets to be stoned for his birthday. Sorry, parents." I cringed when I remembered we were on speaker phone. Everyone laughed, which was a welcome cut to the tension. "The nurse at his Dr.'s office and the Dr. here don't see any reason why he won't make a complete recovery. They're the experts and that's what we're going with." I poked Jay in the side, causing him to jump, "Got that, bird?"

He looked over and up at me, "Got it." He gave me a thumbs up, so I leaned over and kissed his cheek. 

I looked at Nano, "Where are we?"

"You need to be out of here in forty five. Get into LA late. I didn't know plans past that, so I reserved you a room at the hotel where we usually stay. Room's yours for as long as you need. Rest of the guys were to head back to the UK Friday for a break. Don't know what we're doing now, we'll figure that out."

Jay sat up, “I'm going back to LA until I know lil Nath is fine."

Max nodded, "Me too."

Everyone else joined in agreement. Nathan squeezed my hand. This was going to make him cry. Nathan waited until I'd said goodbye and hung up on his parents before he started to say something. Jay didn't let him, "You're not allowed to talk. Bad throat. We're going to LA."

Nano was smiling, "I've got us on a flight tomorrow."

Now it was group hug time. Everyone was crying. Everyone was telling him he was going to be alright, they'd do whatever he needed, he could dance around on stage while his vocal track played, and eventually that they were all sure that the real problem was he wasn't get laid enough and I should rectify that situation immediately and let this be a lesson. Jay was going to start a twitter trend #BlowJobsForNath, but he'd lost his phone. Typical.   
We went back to the room to pack. I threw toiletries in a bag while he started in the room. When I came out he was sitting on the bed. I dropped beside him, "How you doing?"

He held up his phone to show me a tweet, "Gutted". 

I threw my leg over his thighs and climbed onto his lap to kiss him properly. Long, slow, and thoroughly. When I pulled away I laid my forehead against his, "I love you. Your brother's love you. Family loves you. We're gonna wrap you in more love and support than you can possibly believe." He smiled and nodded. "And we'll come up with a signal for when you need everyone to go away. One for me too." Entirely understandable that he'd want time with just his family. I didn't mind.

He disagreed, "Don't want you to go anywhere. Need you."

"You got me."

~*~*~*~

By the time we got to LA we were both exhausted. We ordered room service and put the TV on to a sports station so he could catch up on scores. Distraction is good. We were yawning before we finished eating. We climbed under the covers and snuggled together with me tucked up against his chest under his arm. I kissed his chest, "How you doing?"

"M,ok. Emotionally wrecked. Today's been alot." 

He might be a master of understatement. "What can I do?"

I felt his lips press to my head, "You're doing it, baby. This is exactly what I need." 

The next morning I saw his middle of the night insomnia tweet. "Why didn't you wake me up?"

"Nothing you could do. Was just thoughts. You curled up on me was still just what I needed. Besides, I'm gonna be a pain in the ass the next few days. You should sleep while you can." His smile reached his eyes.

I poked his stomach, "You're always a pain in the ass, so how will this be different?"

He raised his eyebrows, "My mother will be here."

His sister had texted their flight information and they would get here while we were at the Dr's. They would come to the hotel and get checked in. The guys would be a few hours behind them. Nathan wanted to celebrate his birthday tonight with an early dinner and a movie. The hotel had first run films on PPV and he found something he wanted to see. Unbeknownst to him I had already taken care of a cake. 

The nurse we'd talked to on the phone greeted us and led us back to the examination room. Different people came in to have Nathan fill out paperwork and draw blood for pre-op tests. His asthma was noted for the anesthesiologist tomorrow. The Dr. came in and went over everything in detail, showing us using Nathan's pictures what would be done. He confirmed everything the nurse had told us yesterday and reiterated that there was no reason to think he wouldn't make a full recovery. Of course, there were no guarantees and he'd know more tomorrow when he got an even closer look at the damage than the scope could provide. We left the office with pre and post op instructions. 

Nathan had taken my hand as we left the hotel and literally had not let it go. Back in the cab I looked over, trying to read his mind, "Better or worse?" It had been a lot of information and we'd asked a lot of questions.

He thought for a second, "Better. Good to hear the same story again and in person. He seems very confident."

"He knows what he's doing. I think we should trust him and relax a little. Easy for me to say, I know."

He smiled, "Yeah, not so easy to do. It'll be fine. Gonna do my best to keep positive today. Tomorrow it'll be done and then the work begins. I'll have something to focus on instead of this waiting. Feels like at least something is happening."

I punched his shoulder, "Good attitude."

He glared at me, "Bitch."

"I try." I leaned in to get my kiss.

At the hotel he finally let go of my hand to hug his parents and sister. While his mom and dad talked to him Jessica came over and hugged me, "Glad you were there."

I glanced over at him, "Me too."

"How's he doing? Really?"

"He's scared, but ok. Feeling pretty positive after the appointment. We're gonna keep him thinking happy thoughts." I put my arm around her and her around me.

"Yes, we are. Today's his birthday after all."

"Exactly!" For our purposes anyway.

We walked over to the other group and Jessica went to her brother. Watching them always made me wish I'd had a sibling. He draped his arm around her in an affectionate way that is only shared by siblings. I can't explain it, but the familiarity is different. His dad gave me a big bear hug and we did our normal teasing. I liked his dad and he seemed to like me. It wasn't faked, because like his son, his face hid nothing. His mom had been more accepting since I showed up in Gloucester after Harry had died, just because Nathan sounded sad. She'd hugged me then so I wasn't surprised when she put her arms around me, "Thank you."

I nodded, "You're welcome."

She looked at me, "How are you doing?"

I smiled weakly. I hadn't expected that and it was enough to almost break me. I'd been holding it together to get Nathan through this. There was plenty of time for me later. I blinked back tears that I was not ready to have fall. My throat was constricted with unspent emotion and all I could do was nod for a few seconds. I took a breath and put on a smile, “About that good. You?”

She rubbed my arm, “Me too.” 

When we got upstairs and they’d read through the paperwork we’d brought home we answered any questions. I really really wanted to stop talking about this. Not like it was going to go away just because we weren’t talking about it, but I wanted to turn down the volume. Nathan had explored the tv guide over night when he couldn’t sleep and had found a channel that was showing the football match. That was the best thing I’d heard all day. Nano had been a genius and got us a suite so there was a sitting room separate from the bedroom. I ducked into the bedroom for a breather and decided to run downstairs for some chocolate. Really wanted chocolate. It would also give the family some time. Nathan wanted some gum and Jessica chimed in on the need for chocolate. I took the stairs and my time. I bought every trashy gossip magazine they had. Those were great for flipping through while waiting. Then I grabbed almost every form of chocolate available. I was checking out when my phone went off with a text from Nathan, “Where are you?” I sent back, “On my way” and head back up.

Nathan hugged me right when I walked through the door, “You buy out the gift shop?”

Jessica grabbed the bag, “You’ll be asleep. We’ll need snacks.” She pulled out a magazine, “Oh and this is perfect.” 

The game was the perfect distraction and great practice for Nathan to not yell at the screen. He’d struggled with that, to say the least. He did pretty good this time. During halftime conversation went to what we’d done in the Bahamas’. One minute we were all laughing and the next Nathan walked into the other room. We all watched him. Jessica was the one to speak, “Is he ok?”

My eyes were following him as I shook my head, “Nope.” I got up and went after him without looking back. I wanted to close the bedroom door, but that would have created a line I really didn’t want to draw. 

Nathan sat on the edge of the bed looking at the floor. I knelt between his feet and put my arms on his legs, my hands resting on his hips. I waited. It couldn’t have been thirty seconds, but it felt like thirty minutes. “What if my voice isn’t ok?” He met my eyes, “Just what if.”

“It will completely suck. You will be angry and sad and you will mourn the loss. Then we will figure out what you do next. You could still write music, you play piano beautifully and could do that, you could be a musical director. No reason you couldn’t do all those things with the guys. Different, but still part of them. You are so talented, Nathan, in so many ways that aren’t just your voice. I know that’s what you love and I really don’t believe you’re going to lose that, but if you do we will get you through.” I wiped away the tears streaming from his eyes. “This is about as scary as it gets, but we will get you through.” 

I rose up so I could hold him. Feeling his body shaking in my arms was horrible. He seemed so little and so very young and he cried. I knew I couldn’t fix this. All I could do was be here and let him feel what he needed to feel and make sure he didn’t get stuck in a bad space. Today, the day before a surgery he was terrified would alter his life as he knew it, was the day to let him feel. I ran my fingers in his hair, “I love you, Nath.”

“Did you mean everybody or you?”

No clue, “You’ve lost me, baby.”

“You said we will get me through. Did you mean everybody or did you mean you would get me through whatever happens?”

This has nothing to do with us and I know it. He wasn’t questioning us. He was scared and feeling alone. I kissed him before taking his hands and kissing them too. “I’m sure that everybody will be there for you, but I was talking about you and me. We will get you through this. I will help you get through whatever this is.”

He grabbed hold of me again and I felt him take a few deep breaths. He was pulling himself together. “A’right, I can do this. Thank you.” He pulled me up with him and wrapped me in his arms, “I love you so very much.”


	2. Chapter 2

~*~Nathan~*~

I'm scared. Scratch that, I'm terrified. I'm doing my best to keep thinking positive and focus on other stuff, but bottom line is this is scary stuff. Everything could change. I don't want everything to change. I like things the way they are. I did pretty good with my goal to think positive by using a combination of willpower and distraction. When Kristin went down stairs to buy chocolate I knew she was giving my family time alone with me and I was very touched by the effort she made. However, after she'd been gone for a bit I started getting squirrely. The last twenty four hours have been hell and through it all she has been right beside me. I thought that was awesome. Now that she wasn't right beside me I also realized she's what's keeping me from not freaking out. Don’t get me wrong, I felt much calmer with my family here, but she was the central point. It's like her holding my hand is what kept me from drowning in waves of thoughts and emotions. When I felt the water reach my neck I texted her to get her back. I had her in my arms before the door latched. I literally felt my heart and breathing slow down and the tension drop. Now that I knew what I couldn't do without I knew what I needed to keep very close.

The football game was a great distraction. I did pretty good not yelling at the game. When halftime hit and we started talking about the Bahamas my mind started drifting away. I was still participating in the conversation, but I wasn't really there. The sole reason I got to have all that fun in the Bahamas was because I was a singer in The Wanted. What if after tomorrow I couldn't sing anymore? No more concerts, no more horribly great days in the studio, interviews, fans, traveling. All the things that were exhausting and exhilarating wouldn't be mine anymore. All the things I would miss flashed through my mind in the form of memories of all the things I'd done. Initially the memory of my first date in Vegas with Kristin made me smile. If it wasn't for The Wanted I wouldn't have met her. Panic.

I felt the walls closing in on me and even though I knew I couldn't get away I had to try. I got up off the couch, headed to the bedroom, and sat on the bed. Kristin would come. I was close to having my head between my knees like Jay had yesterday when she walked in, leaving the door open. My family wasn't shut out, but right now everything I needed was in this room. 

She knelt between my feet and put her arms on my legs, her hands resting on my hips. I didn't want to say it, but I had to and I couldn't look at her, “What if my voice isn’t ok?” Then I needed to see her. To see that this was ok, that I was ok. Her beautiful blue eyes were reaching out to me, “Just what if.”

She didn't even think before she started talking. “It will completely suck. You will be angry and sad and you will mourn the loss. Then we will figure out what you do next. You could still write music, you play piano beautifully and could do that, you could be a musical director. No reason you couldn’t do all those things with the guys. Different, but still part of them. You are so talented, Nathan, in so many ways that aren’t just your voice. I know that’s what you love and I really don’t believe you’re going to lose that, but if you do we will get you through. This is about as scary as it gets, but we will get you through.” 

I'm not sure when it happened, but sometime while she spoke I started crying. The relief that it was acceptable to say what I was most afraid of, the relief that someone besides me had been thinking about and even had a plan, and the relief that she would be there. 

She moved up to her knees and held me. Said nothing, just held me. I let it all out and trusted that this amazing woman in front of me would hold me together. I don't know how long I cried in her arms. I didn't try to stop myself. I needed this raw emotion out of me as much as I needed happy thoughts and distraction. I felt her running her fingers through my hair, “I love you, Nath.”

Her touch always felt so good and did amazing things for me. This was no different and it felt like the shattered parts were weaving back together with the touch of her hands. “Did you mean everybody or you?”

I realized that didn't make sense when she said, “You’ve lost me, baby.”

“You said we will get me through. Did you mean everybody or did you mean you would get me through whatever happens?” If she didn't understand that I was feeling very scared and very alone I would say. I was terrified that everything was going to be gone and even though I knew better I needed to hear her.

The way she kissed me let me know that she understood. “I’m sure that everybody will be there for you, but I was talking about you and me. We will get you through this. I will help you get through whatever this is.”

The speed and ferocity with which I grabbed her felt like desperation. I breathed her in, filling my lungs with her, and feeling my body relax. “A’right, I can do this. Thank you.” I pulled her up with me and wrapped her in my arms, “I love you so very much." When I'd stood up my thought was to head back out, but I wasn't ready to leave yet. I sat back on the bed with her in my lap, "Thank you for letting me feel. For holding my hand, for holding me, for letting me cry, for loving me."

She shook her head, smiling at me, "I got you baby, whatever you need." 

It's a little strange to make out with one's girlfriend with one's family in the other room and the door open, but that's what happened. Not gonna lie, I needed that loads. No one should ever underestimate the power of a good snogging to lift one's spirits. After a bit we rejoined the family and watched the rest of the game.

After my little breakdown I felt much better. The rest of the day was great. The rest of the gang got there and we headed out for an amazing dinner then back to the hotel to lie around and watch a film. My parents were the first to go, as they were completely knackered from the time change. Jessica was young enough not to notice and she loved hanging out with all of us, but didn't get much of a chance. She made it to midnight where Max exploded a bottle of champagne all over everyone and we drank to my "real" birthday. I pulled Kristin in my lap for an extra long birthday kiss that got applause. Kept her there through the end of the champagne. 

Once that was gone she was one her feet, "Time for you lot to go! Birthday boy needs to rest."

Yeah, what birthday boy really needs is time alone with his girl. They knew this. I could tell they're worried about me because not a single one of them made a dirty joke about what I might need. I hugged and kissed everybody before they left my room. I am a lucky lucky twenty year old. Even luckier when they left and this incredibly fit twenty five year old was still in my room. Her back was to me, "What are you doing?"

She turned with two glasses of champagne, "I saved some from our alcoholic friends."

I took my glass, "Not only are you contributing to the delinquency of a minor, but you are breaking pre-op rules."

She glanced at the clock, "I am such a bad influence." She put her arm around me and kissed me, "Happy birthday, baby." She pulled back and pulled a face, "Now that you're twenty am I no longer allowed to call you baby?"

I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her close, "You can call me anything you want, Kris." 

We both smiled then kissed again. She hates being called Kris. Expect by me. I'll never forget the first time one of the guys called her that. She turned on Max with a death glare and explained no one called her Kris. He pointed out that I did, to which she asked if he wanted a list of all the things I got to do that he didn't. She started listing things that I'm sure caused him more pain than me if only because I was going to get to do a few of them later that day. 

We clinked glasses and finished off my birthday celebration. Nothing but broth and tea for me tomorrow. If that. With the glass empty I put my other arm around her and kissed her. She loves kissing. If asked that is her favorite thing, so whenever we're together I make sure that we spend a good long time kissing and making out like the teenager I was twenty minutes ago. I love it as well. I love the way we can stay locked in each other's arms and kiss forever. Something about kissing for the fun of kissing. It doesn't have to lead anywhere else and often it doesn't. The guys have learned to just work around us if we've decided to have a kissing break. Never know where or when that might happen. 

Standing in the middle of our hotel room kissing left me without a care in the world. Her fingers in my hair could either excite or soothe me. Tonight they did both, "What do you need, Nath?"

I nuzzled into her neck, "Besides you?"

"Up to and including me. It's your birthday and anything you want that I can give is yours."

I dropped my shoulders and pouted, "Gutted that I'll be asleep for most of my anything I want day."

"I thought about that and you can pick another day too."

"Woo hoo for me." I pulled her back for another kiss before slipping my fingers through her hair and tucking it behind her ear. "Here's the thing. What I really want is to get naked and let you make me feel good." I sighed, "I don't know that I can keep myself in the moment." The very last thing I wanted was some sort of disappointing performance tonight. "Anxiety is a horrible thing."

She moved from my arms and took my hand, leading me into the bedroom. Once there she pulled my top over my head and ran her hands up my chest to wrap around my neck, "How about this . . . we'll get naked and I'll make you feel very good."

I interrupted with a smile, "I didn't say very."

"Yeah, but I did. I'll make you feel very good and if you get distracted we'll just stop." She kissed the middle of my chest, "Then we'll do whatever." She took her top off. My eyes raked over her. "I could finish you off quickly." I swallowed hard and went back to her eyes. "We could curl up and cuddle." She left wet kisses on my neck up to my ear and whispered, "Or you could lay back and watch." I felt my cock jump. When she moved away she was biting her lip in that ridiculously sexy way. She palmed the front of my jeans, rubbing my cock. 

I closed my eyes and mumbled, "Ok." 

Amazingly fast she had my pants off and my cock in her mouth. She had already succeeded at making me feel very good. God, this felt good. Her mouth was so warm and she was doing whatever it is she does with her tongue that hits that spot that sends a jolt through me with every stroke. A few minutes was all I could take, "I want inside you."

She stood up, running her hands over me and kissing the entire way. Standing in front of me she stroked my cock with her hand, "How do you want me, Nath?"

"You on top." I shuddered with the stroke of her hand, "Not going to take long." I sat then scooted back on the bed, "I love to watch you on me." She undid her bra and dropped it on the floor. "Love to watch you undress too."

She hooked her fingers in her jeans and shimmied out of them, "I aim to please."

Not all the time, but every so often I get this almost giddy feeling. I see this beautiful woman and am in awe that she gets naked and lets me touch her. Tonight's one of those nights. It's like those first times when you can't believe you're actually going to "do it." It's hard not to giggle. Her straddling my hips and laying over to kiss me stopped any urge I had to do anything but reach under her ass, grab my cock, and slide into her. I watched her push up to sit astride me and rotate her hips. It was the best dirty dancing ever. An interchange of her giving pleasure to me and taking what she needs. Even though she could come from this I licked my fingers and rubbed her clit. I watched her stomach jump as sensation hit her. 

"Nathan, so good." 

I let her movements guide my hand and it wasn't long before we were both close, "You first, Kris." She stopped riding me and let my fingers take her over the edge. "That's my girl. I love watching you come." Her inner muscles squeezed me, threatening to take me with her, "You feel so damn good." Before she finished I pulled her down and rolled over to be on top of her. She ran her nails down my back to grab my ass. Her legs wrapped around my waist. I only needed a few strokes before I drove deep to come. I collapsed on her and felt her hands switch from excite to soothe. Likely the exact same movement that only felt different to me. Didn't know, didn't care. It just felt good. 

When I could move again I took her with me and rolled to the side. We kissed for a very long time tonight. Slow, deep, wet kisses that make my heart ache. Never knew love felt like this. The kisses became more intermittent and faded away to happy smiles and nose rubs. Sometimes I think we're quite sappy, but I wouldn't change a thing. 

"Think you can sleep, birthday boy?"

I nodded, "Absolutely." 

That's the last thing I remember until I woke up in the morning with her kissing me, "Time to get up, baby."

I stretched and looked at the clock, "Why?" Then it hit me, "Oh, nevermind. Remember now. Shit." I sat up, fear hitting me like sledgehammer. Before it even fully registered Kristin had me in her arms. Not saying anything, just holding me. "I don't want to do this."

She kissed me, "No, but you really do. Get it over and get onto healing and back out on tour. I've got the summer off and want to see your sexy ass on stage. Then take you back to our room and molest you."

I laughed, "Have you ever considered a career as a motivational speaker?"

Smart girl had left me to sleep until all I really had time to do was shower, get in the car, and check in at the hospital. Parents and Jessica were with us and the rest were in a van behind. The boys went out the front entrance to distract fans and I left via the kitchen. I know they mean well, but I do not want to have to do any of that today. Didn't take the hospital five minutes to call me back. They took me back and said family could see me in a bit. I collected hugs and well wishes from everyone else out in the waiting area. In the tiny cold room the nurse reviewed all my paperwork, checked my lovely plastic ID bracelet, and asked me who was the contact person in my rather large group of well wishers. "Kristin."

Kristin, mom, dad, and Jessica came back to sit with me. The nurse had to process everything then would get my IV started. After kissing me Kristin looked around the room. She picked up a bottle from the table, "Lidocaine, baby."

I shook my head, "What for?"

"No pain IV insertion."

Jessica high fived her, "Hate IV's. Surgery is nothing."

Before my mom was done hugging me Kristin was sitting on the bed holding my hand. Very thankful for that. Anxiety was creeping in. What do you talk about in this situation? Seriously. I'm lying in a bed, wearing a gown, boxers, and these lovely blue paper shoes. Super sexytime. I'm actually kind of glad when the nurse shows up and shoos everyone out. Everyone, but Kristin that is. She gets to stay until they wheel me off. They asked what I wanted and she is it. IV went in and the nurse disappeared again to get me "happy juice". I might love her. 

"Tell me." Kristin's face was six inches from mine. That I was way nervous was proven by me not knowing how she got there. She smiled when I jumped and threw my hand over my heart.

"Not as good as I thought." She squeezed my hand and kissed me. "I'm not going to see you for a bit."

"It'll seem like five minutes to you." 

The nurse showed back up and put something called Versed in my IV. She checked my pulse, "That'll slow down in just a second. Transport will come get you in a few minutes."

I watched the IV line as if I could see the clear liquid running through the clear liquid. I had it about a foot from my arm when I felt it, "Oh, that's very nice." It felt like someone had pulled the plug. I could move if I wanted to, but why would I want to do that. I remembered I was having surgery and didn't really care. Oh look, pretty girl holding my hand. "Hi. I love you."

Oh look. The pretty girl was going to kiss me and pat my head. Isn't that wonderful? "I love you too. Feeling better?"

"I'm feeling pretty good. You?"

She smiled at me. I liked being smiled at. "I want some of what you just got."

"You should ask the nurse." I giggled, "She won't give you any. Have you been bad?"

"You'd know better than me."

I motioned for her to come closer and stole a kiss, "You're very very good to me. I love you very very very very very much." I saw some people out of the corner of my eye, "Oops, they're coming to take me away."

"Yes, Mr. Sykes, it’s time to go."

"Alright, let me get another hug and kiss from this gorgeous girl." I sat up so I could get a proper hug and kiss. A nice long kiss. Probably too long. Wasn’t I supposed to be going somewhere? Oh yeah. I snickered.

Beautiful girl put her hands on my face and told me she loves me. I told her I loves her too. Time to go. Why’s the pretty bird look so sad?

~*~Kristin~*~

Nathan was very cute stoned. I couldn't wait until this was over, we were back at the hotel, and he was stoned on pain meds. The orderlies came to get him and I’m guessing he thought that was a really good kiss. He’d be wrong, but it was a valiant effort. I slipped in another “I love you” and he said it back, but it came out “I loves you”. It hit me that this was the last time I'd hear him say that for awhile. Unless something went wrong and it’d be longer. Where’s all the air go? Suddenly I couldn't breathe. Ok, Kristin, deep breath. Air was not getting in. I had to get out of there. If I get to the waiting room I’ll be fine. Nathan is fine. I walked through the waiting room doors and it was like someone knocked the wind out of me. What if he’s wasn't fine? What if he was that one who never woke up from general anesthesia? Could not breathe again. I saw the others and headed that way. Come on Kristin, he's going to be fine. I knew this. Then why wasn’t this panic going away? Oh shit, the world was going grey around the edges. I knew what this means. There’s a wall. I’d never been so thankful to see a wall. If I just could ean here for a second. 

Next thing I knew I was sitting on the ground. Max had his arm around me and I was leaning on him. Nathan’s mom was kneeling in front of me saying something. It took a few seconds to understand that she was saying my name and asking me if I was alright. I shook my head then looked at Max, “Did I hit the ground?”

He smiled and kissed my head, “No, hun, I got to you first.” That’s when I noticed he was flipping my ear. “What do you need?”

“Um, diet coke?” He nodded and started to get up. “Oh shit, Nathan’s fine. Nothing happened.” I hoped I hadn’t freaked them out.

Max kissed my head again, “We know. We were warned you were going to hit the floor.”

Karen stopped Max from leaving then looked at me, “Have you eaten today?”

“No.”

“What do you want Max to get you? You need to eat.”

I wasn’t hungry, but she was right. “Grilled cheese?”

Max saluted, “I’ve got you covered.”

Karen sat down, both of us with our legs crossed, “How are you feeling now?”

“Still a little dizzy. At least I can breathe again.” I chuckled weakly, “Thank you.”

She reached out and took my hands, “It’s the least I can do for all you’ve been doing for Nathan.”

That started me crying. I think it was his name. I took one of my hands back and wiped at my face, “After they took him back it occurred to me that I wouldn’t hear him say he loves me for a long time. That went to what if he doesn’t get his voice back at all and I never hear that again. I was trying to talk myself down, tell myself he’s going to be fine because he is going to be fine, then I got hit with a what if he doesn’t wake up.” Now the tears were really coming. 

Karen pulled me into her arms, “Kristin, he’s going to be just fine.”

I sniffed, “I know. I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry about, sweetheart?” She was smoothing my hair. 

“I don’t mean to stress you out with my irrational fear that he could die.” Oh fuck, why did I say that? 

I could feel her shaking her head, “I’ve already been there. You’re just catching up. You’ve been busy making sure he’s fine. Snuck up on you.” 

We were still sitting in the floor when Max got back, “You’re not up yet, woman?” He took Karen’s hand and pulled her up before handing off the bag to her. “Come on, love.” He took both my hands. When I got to my feet his eyebrows were knit together, “Feeling a’right?” 

I took a breath, “I think so.”

He put his arm around me, “Stay close just in case.”

Karen led the way to the chairs where everyone else was, “You need to get some food in you and you’ll be fine.”

I sat down and took a long drink of my diet coke. Lord, I was thirsty. I hadn’t drunk anything since the champagne last night with Nathan. I pulled open the bag and found what had to be the best grilled cheese ever. It had three different cheeses on a crusty sourdough bread. I made a sound that any other time would be obscene. I looked over at Max, “Thank you.”

He smiled and squeezed my arm, “Not a problem, love.”


	3. Chapter 3

~*~Kristin~*~

I felt much better after eating. Now I was starving. Dammit, I'd left the chocolate at the hotel. I turned toward Jay when he said my name and asked what I was doing staring at the clock. "Calculating." I looked back at the clock, "I came out about nine. Half hour to get him ready in the operating room. Surgery an hour, tack on half an hour. Another half hour to get him back to recovery. Half hour for him to start waking up. So about twelve before we hear anything." I stood up and reached for Jessica's hand, "Come on, let’s go get more chocolate."

She snickered, "Did you leave it at the hotel?"

I nodded, "Guess I was more anxious than I thought. I never forget chocolate. Anyone want anything?" Apparently everyone else had eaten breakfast. I put my arm around Jess as we walked away and once out of ear shot of everyone else I asked her how she was doing.

"I'm fine. Lot's of folks have had this surgery and been just fine. Nath will be just fine. Course, I'm scared, but he'll be fine. You feeling alright?"

"I'm fine, too." We laughed and headed to the gift shop, "I'm gonna kick his ass for the ten pounds I gain from all this chocolate."

I'm not sure how we use to survive without smart phones. Every single one of us were on ours. Some played solo games and got help from others. Some were in group games. Tom had tweeted that Nathan was in surgery and we'd agreed to silence until he was out. There was really no point in sending out "no news". It would only stir things up and the reality was that those of us sitting in this room were busy dealing with our own anxiety and each others’. Fans were on their own, we had our hands full. The closer it got to noon the more we watched the clock. 

Siva spotted the Dr. coming toward us at 12:15. It was pretty amazing how every single one of us, as if on cue, reached for the hand of the one next to us. We were this big line of joined people. The Dr. was smiling, "Surgery went well. Removed the nodules without much bleeding. Not much scar tissue and I took care of what was there. He tolerated surgery fine. Still be a few minutes before he's in recovery and starts waking up. Maybe thirty to forty minutes before you can see him. The nurse will go over post op instructions and teach him how to cough and sneeze. Unless something unforeseen happens he can go home when he's good and awake."

I pretty much tuned out then. Step one was getting through surgery. Check. Next up was waking up. The other's asked some questions then the Dr. left. We sat there in silence until Tom said, "Well." Nothing else. For whatever reason that struck everyone as funny and we were laughing and hugging. 

Maybe ten minutes later I heard my name over the speaker system. I was up and halfway to the information desk before the disembodied voice told me to go to the information desk. I immediately spotted the nurse who'd been with us before surgery. She smiled, "Come on back." I fell in step beside her. "He's just starting to wake up. He's agitated and confused. This happens, especially in younger people. It hurts and he doesn't understand why. He talks and that hurts. He's asking for you. I need you to just sit with him and talk to him. He's in and out." She stopped outside a room, "We don't have family back this soon because it can be a little scary. I'm not going anywhere and I promise you that he's fine. Talking right now isn't going to affect anything, but we want it to stop. You ok?"

"I'll be better when you let me see him."

She laughed, "Needed to prepare you." She walked into the room 

There was my baby. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. The head of the bed was propped up and the blanket was up to his stomach. It looked like he was having a nightmare. His legs were shuffling under the covers, he shifted his upper body around, and his head was turning from side to side. His face looked tense and his mouth twitched, but his eyes were closed. I sat on the bed by his hip, taking the nearest hand, and laying my hand on his face, "Hey Nathan, it's ok baby. Calm down for me." I ran my fingers through his hair and down his cheek, "You're ok. I'm here with you. You had surgery on your throat. Everything’s good." I kept up touching and talking to him. Slowly he seemed to calm down, at least stopped fidgeting around so much. I kept hold of his hand and tickled the soft skin of his forearm while I talked. Same words over and over again telling him I was there and he was ok. It wasn't that long before I saw a flash of pretty green eyes, "There you are." He opened his mouth. I squeezed his hand and shook my head, "No, Nath, don't talk. Remember you had surgery and aren't supposed to talk." His eyes rolled back and his head lolled to the side then he jerked up blinking his eyes. "I'm here and not going anywhere. Surgery went good. Everybody's outside waiting to see you. Just relax." I leaned in and kissed him softly, "I love you."

That got me a little smile and head nod, "Love you."

"I'm glad to hear that, but shut up!" I laughed and kissed his hand. "No talking." I kept up a stream of talking about what we'd been doing while we waited including details of my struggle with level 33 of Candy Crush. Anything to keep him hearing a familiar voice and help him come out of it.

The nurse waited several minutes before coming over, but I'm sure she was watching closely. She took his pulse and listened to his breathing, "How are you doing, Nathan?" He tried to focus his eyes on her without much success. "You're doing good. Gotta wake your brain back up. Are you having any pain?"

I sang, "Do not lie."

He cut his eyes to me and nodded before looking back to the nurse. "I can give you something for pain." She added something to his IV. She looked at me, "Good job."

"Thanks." The difference between now and fifteen minutes ago was huge. He was relaxed and still. His eyes were open, but he wasn't really looking at anything again. Just as I thought that his eyes focused on me again and he smiled. He waved at me then pointed at his mouth. "Nope, can't talk." He shook his head with a frown and touched his lips several times. "Oh, you want a kiss?" He nodded emphatically. I looked at the nurse, "He's back now."

"Sounds like it. I'll go get his family."

She left the room and I scooted closer, letting go of his hand to hug him, "I'm so happy to see you." I didn't want to let go then I remembered he wanted a kiss. I pressed my lips to his gently then pulled away, "Pain ok?"

He nodded and pulled me in for another kiss. A voice behind us laughed, "Typical." I looked over to see Max, Jessica, and his parents. I started to get up so they could get to him, but he squeezed my hand. Max was the last to hug him, "If you're back at kissing you're just fine."

Jessica handed him the wipe off board and pen. "I am gooooood. Got super fun bday drugs." He smiled a very stoned sort of smile, put his hands up, and did a little bed dance. 

Max moved to my side of the bed and sat behind me. Nathan's parents were talking to him while Max and I chatted. Max was Max. Loud, brash, and often drunk, but that man had a heart of gold. I wasn't the least bit surprised when I saw tears. I hugged him with my free arm and kissed his cheek, "It's all good, Max." 

Nathan hit Max's arm with his white board to get his attention. He's written "Why are you crying?"

"Worried about you, mate."

It took a second for him to write, "Pussy." We all laughed. "Gonna tease you. Love you, mate."

I kissed Nathan's cheek, "You're not going to remember any of this, baby."

Max snickered "So this is a great time to tell you that Kristin and I have decided we're going to have a threesome soon as you're better."

Nathan shook his head repeatedly while he wrote, "MINE!"

"You're so easy." 

His family hugged him again and went back to the waiting room to let the rest of the boys come back. That was pretty damn funny. Once they knew he was fine the joking started. It felt like normal again and it seemed like it had been forever, not just forty eight hours, since things had been normal. 

The nurse came back and said he was good to leave whenever. Nathan thought now was a good idea. We sent everyone away so I get could him dressed. While I pulled everything out of the bag he wrote, "You putting clothes ON me is new."

I smiled as I helped him sit on the edge of the bed, "Your sense of humor is back. Very lucky that I love you." He was shaking his head with wide eyes. I stopped and put my hands on his face, "Not that you will remember a word of this, but I was very worried about you because I do not know what I would do without you." He faked a pout then giggled. I put his sweat pants on and had him hold onto my shoulders to stand up to pull them up. When the gown was gone he stopped me. He grabbed his marker and started to write on his chest. "What are you doing?" I couldn't help but laugh at him as I watched him draw a heart over his and write "i love u" in the middle of it. Then he reached for his shirt. Once it was on he tapped where he'd made his drawing then pointed at me. Ah, I got it. "So you tap here and that's you saying you love me." His smile was huge and he nodded like a little puppy. He was proud of himself. "You're a goof ball." 

I was tying the last shoe when the nurse returned with his discharge papers. She went over a long list of things he wasn't allowed to do and made him practice sneezing and coughing without doing either. Involuntarily I found myself doing it with him. She smiled, "You'll have to remind him and reteach, so that's good. He's not going to remember all of this." 

He became fascinated with playing with my fingers and was pretty useless for the rest of her instructions. Full liquid diet for the next two days, then soft food to 7 days. Basically while he was on total vocal rest he wasn't allowed to eat any scratchy foods. Easy. Lastly she handed me the prescriptions. He had liquid anti-nausea medication and liquid pain medicine. She reiterated that this wasn't a particularly painful surgery, but everyone handles pain differently. She wanted me to keep him drugged up every four hours the next 24 because she didn't want him grunting and groaning in his sleep if it was hurting. I hadn't thought of that, but it made perfect sense. After that she recommended decreasing the amount of medication, but not the time between, and see how he did. She didn't think he'd need anything much longer than the first forty eight hours. 

Getting him out took a little planning. Tom and Max had tweeted that he was out and fine. They'd looked through twitter and found some rumors that fans were outside the hospital. No one knew for sure, but no one was willing to take a chance either. The last thing that was going to happen was pictures of him half out of it in a wheelchair or fans screaming at him. Nope, not on my watch. So the boys went down to the main entrance and we had the orderly take us out the emergency room entrance. Perfection.

The ride back to the hotel made him sick to his stomach. I was ever so thankful we'd had the prescriptions filled at the hospital. This was going to knock him out. He wanted to stay on the couch, so we got him propped up in the corner. I grabbed a pillow off the bed and Karen found a blanket in the closet. Ta da! His nest was made. I sat beside him, "When you get sleepy you need to go to bed so you can rest." He narrowed his eyes at me. I did it back. He sighed, which is really the only sound he can make and gave in. I patted his cheek, "Good boy." He tapped his chest. "Love you, too. Be right back, loo."

When I came out his mom was sitting next to him holding his hand. She started to move. "Karen, stay put." I threw some water in the microwave for tea while checking the supplies in the little kitchen and made a mental list. I'd get one of the guys to run out. I ducked back into the bedroom while his tea steeped, turned down the bed, and piled up the pillows. I was nervous. Not about anything happening, but wanting to make sure everything was ready. I was still futzing around when I heard the others come in. I heard my name and yelled, "In here." 

Jay and Max poked their heads in the door, "Everything a'right? Not going pass out again are you?"

"Funny. No, I'm fine."

Max grabbed my hand and pulled me to sit on the bed with Jay on the other side, "And we've been elected to make sure you stay that way."

"Elected?"

"Well, it makes sense really. Siva and Tom have their women. The Sykes have each other. Nath has you. We have no one to take care of, so we got you." Jay nodded like he'd thought this through very carefully.

I smirked, "So what that's mean?"

Max picked up, "We figure you're not going to leave him." 

"Nope."

"Therefore we can't have you falling over again. We're here to make sure you eat and drink and sleep. We'll take it turns to babysit you."

Jay pointed to Max, "He's got nine to three then I'll relieve him."

I laughed, "How did you come up with nine to three?"

"Four to six is entirely too early to wake up." Jay snickered at the face I was making, "Yeah, makes no sense in reality, but in the abstract it works for us. Just a day or so anyway. We could easily just not sleep. I'll be taking everyone with me when I leave tonight so if you need peeps gone sooner give me a signal." 

I tackle hugged him, "I love you." I turned and got Max, "I love you too." Suddenly I was in the middle of group hug.

"We love you. You tell us what you need and we take care of it." 

We headed out of the bedroom. I went to the kitchen and finished up Nathan's tea and took it to him, "Have to figure out if hot or cold feels better." I kissed his head and took a seat on the floor by his feet. I didn't want to dislodge his mom. Almost immediately I felt his fingers in my hair and realized this was the perfect place to be.

Kelsey glanced over at the kitchen area, "What do you need? We can run out and bring back whatever."

"Oh yeah!" I'd forgotten for a moment, "Set for tea and soft drinks. He's liquids only today and tomorrow. Gonna need broth. He can have ice cream, but has to let it melt and have to chase it with water because milk products can gunk up his throat. Then it's soft foods. Have to figure that out and I'm too tired right now."

Jessica stood up, "Come on, I know what he'll eat."

Jay was rummaging through the desk. He found the pen and notepad and assumed the position of a very proper secretary, "And what would you like them to get you to eat, Kristin?"

Nathan pulled my hair. I tilted my head back and stuck my tongue out at him, "Club crackers, jif creamy peanut butter, Monterrey jack cheese, blueberry greek yogurt. I can order room service."

Jay tore of the paper and handed it to Jessica, "Good girl."

Jessica looked at Nathan, "Popsicles?"

Nathan perked up and nodded insanely again. He point to his chest then his sister. I started to translate, but Nathan pulled up his shirt to show his message. Max rolled his eyes, "Idiot."


	4. Chapter 4

~*~Nathan~*~

My throat hurt and I was hungry. I don't have a lot of body fat to live off. I needed sustenance. Could I have more pain medicine yet? My stomach wasn’t upset anymore. Mmm, tea was yummy. There were a lot of people in my room. Kristin's hair was really soft. I liked playing in it. Made me wanna laugh, but I'm not allowed to do that. So instead I smiled, which made everyone look at me. Which made me want to laugh more. I wrote "What?" on my little board.

Tom laughed, "You're grinning like a fool. What are you thinking about?"

"Her hair is soft." I drew an arrow and held the board over her head. I shrug and smirk, but the pretty girl with soft hair kissed my knee. I moved my head and shoulders back and forth. Happy boy! They were laughing again. I yawned. I was sleepy all of a sudden.

My mom touched my arm so I looked at her, "Are you sleepy, son. Need a lie down." She's talking really slowly like I'm deaf or stupid instead of just mute. It's possible I was just hearing really slowly. Best not to smart off to one's mom. I just nodded.

Ooo, frantic writing and shoving board in front of hot girl, "Take me to bed or lose me forever." I hoped she’d get the reference and realize I was not serious. Man, my throat hurt.

She hopped up and pulled away my blanket, handing it off to Jay, "Sure thing, Maverick." I smiled because she understood. Love her. I tapped my chest and grin. "Love you too." This was kinda fun. I was sure it wouldn’t be tomorrow. "Can you get up, or are you dizzy." I made the "ok" sign and got up. Too fast because I'm was weaving. She had an arm around me fast, "Got ya." She didn’t move and I worked hard to steady myself. I nodded and started off toward the bedroom. I waved at everyone else. 

I don’t think a bed has ever looked so good. Sheets were all folded down and the pillows looked so soft the way they were piled up. It's was so hard not to make a noise. I sat on the bed and made a motion like I was writing. My board was in the other room and I had things to say. I also closed my eyes as I swallowed because it hurt. I needed to ask for good drugs.

"Your throat’s hurting." How'd she know that? I looked at her and nodded while sticking out my bottom lip. She kissed my pouty lip and I smiled again. "You are so adorable I can barely stand it." I threw her a sexy look that must not have been very good because she was laughing and messing up my hair. That was not the response I was going for. "Want your good drugs?" Yes, please, I nodded. "Tea or water?" I held up two fingers. "Water it is. Be right back. Find something to go to sleep to and don't get up." I drew an X over my heart. 

By the time Kristin got back I was stripped down to my boxers and incredibly exhausted. That took every ounce of energy I had. She handed me the cup with my good drugs and smiled, "Forgot it's liquid so you don't need a drink, but let’s see if cold feels better." I sucked down all that medicine then drank some water. It tasted good, but I can't say it feels any better than the tea had. I shrugged. "Oh well. Everyone's going to wait until Jessica and the girls get back then they're going to leave. They'll check back in later. Jay is trying to convince your family to go see LA or Disney for awhile tomorrow because you're going to be asleep."

"Good idea." and "Will I be asleep?"

"Probably. Does vicodin knock you out? Does me." I shrugged. Never had vicodin before. "We'll see then. Do you need anything?" 

I patted the bed next to me, "Stay."

"That's the plan." She climbed over me and got close. 

I sat up and scooted the pillows more toward the middle of the bed behind her. I put my hands on her shoulders and pushed her to lay back before lifting her arm to cuddle up to her. She pulled the covers up over us. I felt her fingers in my hair and looked up to find her face. Dammit, can't mouth words either. I found my damn board (not fun anymore) and wrote "Thank you. I love you. I'm ok. Hold me." I wasn't angling for a kiss, but was good with getting one. A few were even better. 

I laid my head down and closed my eyes. The last thing I remember was her saying, "You're welcome. I love you too, Nath."

Next thing I know it's six am and I'm fucking starving.

~*~Kristin*~*

I fell asleep with Nathan curled up on me. It had been such a stressful couple of days and it was quiet in our bedroom. He was so sweet cuddled up close and warm. Perfect for just drifting off to sleep. Nathan moving around woke me. He was making faces in his sleep. I glanced at the clock, 7 pm, he could have more medication. I kissed him awake, "Hey, baby, you look like you're hurting. Want drugs?" He opened bleary eyes and opened his mouth before realizing he couldn't speak. He sat up and nodded. "You want to stay in here or go to the other room?" He pointed to the door. "Let's put clothes back on you then."

I wasn't sure how long it would take to get all the anesthesia out of his system, but he was a little steadier on his feet now. He put his arm around me and kissed my head as we headed into the other room. Jay was stretched out on the couch reading a book, "Hey, you look better already. Not so wobbly." Nathan flipped him the bird. "Perfect."

"Time for more drugs." I left Jay to get Nathan settled and went to the kitchen, "Nath, you hungry?"

Jay chuckled, "He's shaking his head." I yelled out what the girls had brought back and Jay yelled back, "He's very excited to have the delicious beef broth. He says that there is nothing he loves better in the whole world than a tepid bowl of brown salty cow juice." A second passed, "Ouch, that hurt you little fucker. Kristin, he pinched me."

I poked my head around the corner, "The invalid is beating you up."

"Only because I won't fight back."

"And you don't think he knows this?"

"Good point. Still can't do anything in case I make him make a noise or something. Oh, I'm supposed to let everyone know if sleeping beauty wakes up. Ready for the siege?" 

I let Nathan handle that. I took him a water and his drugs while the soup heated. There was a knock on the door as I came back. "Hey." It was, well, everyone. "I'm feeding him, he's in there with Jay." No Max, then I remembered he had nine to three. Those boys were funny. Nathan was getting hugged by his dad when I came in with food. Now his dad was trying to give me a place to sit. Instead I handed him the bowl and walked into the bedroom, "Need to wash my face." 

Jay yelled after me, "And you need to eat."

I grabbed the cheese and crackers before settling in by Nathan's feet again. Conversation covered what everyone had done today and plans for tomorrow. Nathan encouraged everyone to go about doing whatever. He didn't want them sitting around here. He was fine and by the looks of it I was planning to keep him drugged and asleep all day. He smiled and tapped his chest after that. His mom asked if his throat hurt and Nathan wrote out that it felt like the worlds worse sore throat. It hurt to swallow, hurt to touch, and laying all the way down hurt, but it wasn't that scratchy dry feeling. He didn't remember anything from after surgery or even back here. His dad figured he wouldn't remember this either, that it had taken him a good 24 hours to be back to normal after his surgery and even then pain meds kept memory fuzzy. That only increased Nathan's assertion that everyone should just check in on him then go enjoy the sunny weather. The guys volunteered to play tour guide. Jessica wanted to haul their mom to Disney and his dad was up for the Saddle Ranch and a footie game. That made Nathan pout until I reminded him the hotel got that channel. So tentative plans were set as long as Nathan was doing fine.

An hour later and Nathan was nodding off where he sat. His handwriting was shit "Guess it takes an hour for the drugs to zonk me out?"

His mom was the first to get up, "Go to bed. I don't think you can get enough sleep right now."

Everyone agreed. He stood on his own this time and went around the room hugging and kissing everyone, tapping his chest. Jessica and I leaned against each other laughing. She hugged me, "He's ridiculous."

I smiled, "Cute though."

"Lucky you think so. If you need anything be sure to call." She hugged Nathan and kissed his cheek, "Sleep well, big brother. I'll see you in the morning."

Everyone filed out, except Jay who went back to the couch. I reached down and grabbed Nathan's ass, "Want some sex, sweetie?"

His eyes opened wide and he looked excited then is face fell back to tired and he shook his head sadly. I laughed, "I've never heard you say no to sex before." 

Jay was laughing too, "You are a bad woman, Kristin."

Nathan evidently hadn't noticed Jay stayed and pointed with a confused look. "He's my back up. Max takes over at nine." Nathan tapped his chest and pointed at Jay while we laughed. "Come on birthday boy, bed time." He threw his arms around me in a big hug before heading back to bed. When he was settled I went back out.

Jay looked up, "Are you staying up?"

I leaned over and kissed him as I sat down next to him, "No, just came out to say thank you."

He took my hand and kissed it, "You're welcome. You get enough to eat, need anything?"

"Na, I'm ok. I'm going to set the timer on my phone to wake me when he can have more drugs. I'll order something then. Not really hungry."

"Tell me what you want and what time. Max'll have it here."

I shook my head, "You guys are amazing." I had to fight back tears. I found the room service menu and wrote down what sounded good. "He can have more at eleven. Hopefully he stays asleep and I can wake him long enough to knock him out again."

He stuck the paper under the remote, "It'll be here when you wake up."

I gave him another kiss then headed into the bedroom. Nathan was already out. I changed into shorts and a t-shirt before climbing into bed. I wasn't quite ready to fall asleep so I found an on demand episode of “Hannibal” to watch. Perfect to fall asleep to if you want nightmares. A few minutes after I'd laid back Nathan curled into me, throwing his arm over my stomach. I remember hearing a knock at the door, Jay and Max talking, and then nothing. Still it seemed like minutes when my alarm went off. I got to it quick. Nathan didn't move. I scooted out from under his arm, watching him fidget around to find a comfortable position again and I ducked into the bathroom where I'd put his medicine. I was able to wake him up just enough to get the medicine down him and then he was gone again.

I could smell the pizza as I walked into the other room, "That smells so good."

Max nodded, "I got a big one. I'm hungry too. And beer." He popped off a top and handed it to me.

I dropped on the couch as I drank, "That's good. Thanks." I finished off the entire bottle rather quickly. I smiled at Max with a shrug, “Been a long day.”

Max handed me a plate with pizza, “I guess, so away from everyone else, how’s Nath doing?”

I don’t think I realized how hungry I was. I nodded as I chewed the huge bite. “Ok, I think. Yesterday was rough, once his family got here. I think it felt even more real then. Had a bit of a freak out. He’s scared and anxious. Trying to be positive and usually successful. He gets to freak out a little.”

“Damn right. He gets to freak out as much as he wants. Why’d they pull you back before they let us see him?” 

“Oh, he was waking up and trying to talk. They wanted me to keep him quiet.” It had been so busy I didn’t realize I’d never explained that. I was suddenly starving, and this was Max, so I ate and talked at the same time. I knew he wouldn’t care. He had more questions and we trading back and forth while we ate. 

“Which leads me to how are you doing, Kristin? Ignoring the fainting bit because that was just adrenaline.”

I sat back, relaxing, with another slice and beer. “I’m tired.” I looked at him and shrugged, “Wouldn’t be anywhere else. These last two days have just been exhausting. He was so scared at the Dr.’s office and so numb on the plane and then all the questions here and getting ready. So fucking overwhelming and like zero time to process anything. Then boom we’re in the hospital getting him ready and he’s so scared.” I flexed my hand. “When he’s scared he’s squeezing my hand and I swear I can barely feel it now. I walked out of pre-op and got so scared that he wouldn’t wake up.”

“Kristin!” Max was on me in a split second, pulling me against him and holding me so tight I could barely breathe. “What’d you go and go there for?” He was laughing, “Oh god, no fucking wonder you passed out.” Just as suddenly he stopped laughing and just held me. He smoothed my hair, kissed the top of my head, “I don’t think he was really in any real danger of dying, Kristin.”

“I know. I just got scared.” It was muffled against his chest. “Don’t know what I’d do without him.”

“Aw, sweetheart, I don’t think that’s going to be an issue.” He let me loose, but I stayed where I was. Being held like this was the most relaxed I’d felt in days. “He’s a very lucky man. You’ve been amazing taking care of him.”

It wasn’t a question, but I figured what the hell. Or maybe I just needed to talk. “I’m sure Nath told you my parents are dead. Car crash. Mom was immediate. Dad lost his leg above the knee. No other real injuries.”

“That was enough.”

I chuckled, “Yeah. I helped take care of him.”

“Shit, Kristin.” I could feel him tensed up now. “I had no idea. I’m sorry.”

I pushed away, “Thank you. I know a little about pain pills and anesthesia.” I stood up, leaning over to kiss his cheek, “I’m going back to bed. Thanks for dinner.”

“Night, love.”


	5. Chapter 5

~*~Nathan~*~

I vaguely remember waking at six. I ate and stayed up for a little while. No idea how long. I took more pain meds and took my girl back to bed. Only not in any approximation of a romantic way. 

When I woke up a bit before eleven I was alone. Unusual. I could hear the tele in the other room, so I figured Kris was out there with family. Decided best if I threw on some clothes. Track pants and t-shirt would work. I grabbed my board and headed out, noticing that I could walk without wanting to lean. Progress. Max was sitting on the couch, feet up on the table. 

He saw me and scooted down so I could sit, “How you feeling, mate? You had another few minutes before I woke you up to drug you again. Strict orders.” I started to write, but he answered my question before I had the first word out. “Kristin is in my room sleeping. Took some work, but I managed to convince her that I could pour you a shot of vicodin and warm up soup if you were hungry. And I promised to wake her if you were hurting. Are you hurting?”

I shrugged and made a face while scribbling on my board, “Some. Don’t dare wake her.”

Max smirked, “Then you best lie and say you weren’t in pain.”

I crossed my heart. “She ok?”

“Oh yeah. Just getting two hours off and on isn’t the best. Your family’s gone to play. The lads are divided up with them. I’m here until three. Perfect time for her to get some sleep. You want something to eat?”

I nodded, “Not really, but I’m hungry. Don’t want K to maim you for not feeding me.”

“Good point that.” I chilled out on the couch catching up on scores while Nurse Max got me my chicken broth breakfast with a side of vicodin. We sat quietly (funny) while I slurped soup. 

When Max got back from bowl removal I had questions on my board, “How’s everyone else?”

“Everyone else is fine. Bored to tears in that waiting room. Wrap party tomorrow. I’ll drink a few for you. We’re to New York on Sunday, promo shit on Monday.” I pouted. “Yeah, won’t be the same without you. You just get well.”

“I want to go home. Tired of hotel and LA.”

“Which home you going too? Girlfriend or mom’s? I personally vote for girlfriend.”

I hadn’t really thought about this. There was no question that I was going with Kristin, but I wondered if I was the only one that knew that. “Has this been discussed?”

Max frowned and shook his head, “Not that I know of. Well, us guys. We know things with Kristin and Karen haven’t been the smoothest, but they’ve been good here. I mean, very good. Fill you in on that later.”

“Now?”

More frowning and head shaking, “Trust me, it’s good. You focus on getting better. I’ll catch you up on everything before we leave.”

I decided this wasn’t worth arguing about and he was a stubborn bastard anyway. Oh . . . important question, “How’s my girl?”

“Your girl is great. Don’t worry about her either, Jay and I are on it. Making sure she eats and sleeps. You relax and rest. Let us take care of her.”

“OWE YOU BIG!”

“I’ll make a list.”

With that I headed back to bed leaving Max with the ridiculous request to send me Kristin when she came back. Luckily he amused me. “Because you think your bed isn’t going to be her first stop?” I gave him my best innocent smile, which I don’t think he bought. “Nath, everything ok? Do I need to get her?”

I shook my head no, “I’m good.” The disadvantage of having to write everything is that a lengthy conversation is more trouble than it’s worth. My throat hurts, but the pain meds knock that out. And me. Makes me fuzzy. It’s not like before surgery where I really needed Kristin to stay calm, but I want her. I’m pretty sure the drugs keep me from worrying too much, because I can’t think for too long. I feel better with her around, which is only truly obvious when she’s not here. I am glad she’s getting some sleep if she’s been up with me. I’ll just go back to sleep and she’ll be here when I wake up. Or then I’ll have whoever is here go get her.

I was having a wonderful dream. I’m sleeping amid soft linens when a very warm, wonderful smelling woman crawls into bed with me. Somehow I know she’s beautiful. She moves up behind me, wrapping one arm around me, and kissing my neck. I twine my fingers with hers and pull her closer. A voice slices through my haze, “I love you, sweet baby.” Only it’s not a dream. Wow, this is real. I lifted her arm so I could roll over to face her.

“How ya’ feeling?” I smiled and nodded. “Miss me?” More nodding and a kiss. I nodded toward her with an eyebrow raise to ask how she was. “Good. I crashed.” I threw her a worried look. “Don’t make that face. I couldn’t get back to sleep after waking up. Don’t worry about me, that’s Max and Jay’s job.”

I gave her a thumbs up then pointed to my heart. She laid her hand on my face, “I love you too, Nathan.” I pointed to my lips. She’d get it. “You want some kisses.” I smiled. “I think we can do that.”

This was the perfect way to spend my day. Cuddled up in bed sharing kisses with my girl. 

~*~*~*~

Day 3 ~ insanity and melancholia set in. My tweets were depressing me. I felt I should apologize as being trapped in a four star hotel isn’t really a tragedy.

Several things had happened and I remembered them all. This was progress. The lads were off to NYC then the UK, then Japan and Australia. I wasn't going. I needed to recover and there’s no way I could do all that and obey Dr. orders like I should. Temptation would be way too great. Hell, I’m wasn't even allowed to laugh. No way to be with the guys and not laugh. Not possible. And my shitty liquid diet would be tough on the road. I had this whole “speech” for why going to Kristin’s is the better option, largely related to length of plane ride. It was unneeded. My mom patted my hand and told me of course I wanted to be where my girlfriend was, and that she was taking amazing care of me. I hadn’t asked Max what changed yet, but I would before he’s gone. I was also down to about half on pain meds. 

Sunday morning (day 4) and I felt pretty good. Kristin was still asleep next to me. She had not left my side except that morning to get some sleep. I didn't know if she was worried and didn’t want to be away or she’d figured out that I didn't want her to be away. Nothing she could do, but I liked her around. Selfish, I know. I watched her sleep. When her beautiful blue eyes opened I smiled.

“Good morning.” I kissed her before she could ask how I was. Starting to get tired of everyone asking how I am. “You getting tired of people asking how you are? I narrowed my eyes and nodded slightly. “I would be too. I promise not to ask if you promise to tell me.” I made the ok sign. “Want to make out a little before we get up?”

Ah yes, I did. I’d like to do way more than make out a little. I couldn’t remember if I was told no sex or not. Not sure if I can have silent sex. 

Once my family got there I texted Max. Once he got there I told my family to take Kristin to lunch. When everyone left he glared at me, “You want all my secrets don’t you?”

I nodded and wrote, “I’m awake enough to remember now.”

“Wasn’t worried about you remembering. Didn’t want you worked up.”

“Why am I going to get worked up?” I was getting worked up.

He pointed at me, “See, you’re getting worked up. Nothing to get worked up about, but being stoned as all fuck you might not see it that way.”

I held up my hands and raised my eyebrows. “Yeah, so . . . what happened to Kristin’s father? How’d he die?” I wrote “car wreck”. He shook his head, “Late night conversation. He lost his leg, she took care of him, then what?”

I wondered how this topic had come up, but it was irrelevant. I put my board on my lap so he could watch as I wrote and erase as I went. “Was doing fine. Minor surgery. Scar tissue. Clean up. Didn’t wake up.” I stared at what I wrote for a second, wiped my hand over the words, and wrote, “shit”.

Max was scratching his head, “Explains a few things.” 

It didn’t for me so I asked for an explanation. A lot had happened while I napped.

~*~Kristin~*~

I wasn't sure if Nathan wanted to talk to Max or just wanted me to get out. He’d fill me in later. Lunch had been great. It was sunny and a beautiful day. It had been fun to sit with his family and hear stories about him. Some things they described were so typical Nathan and I could relate stories of the man that was so much like that little boy. A few times we wound up in tears from laughing so hard. This was just what I needed and gave me an idea. 

We walked the few blocks back to the hotel and not surprisingly encountered a small group of fans outside. There had been a few out there every day. The guys had kept it simple, just saying that Nathan was resting and recovering. We’d gone out the back when we left, so this was the first they’d seen of “us”. His parents thanked them for their concern and headed on upstairs. Jessica and I stayed downstairs for several minutes to chat and give them an update. We both knew the news would spread quick. That was a good thing. They cared what happened and all their love and positive messages had meant the world to Nathan. 

The rest of the guys were surrounding Nathan when we got there. My heart hurt watching them together, knowing that the next month Nathan wouldn’t be with them. This was them say goodbye for awhile. Nathan was smiling and writing messages. Sometimes one of the guys would speak for him, leaving him to point and agree. They knew his words without him saying them. Amazing to watch and even more amazing to be invited into. When Nathan saw me he beckoned me over with the hand he held out to me. The hand I took before squeezing in between he and Jay. 

I dreaded them leaving and it came too fast. There were hugs and tears and promises of non-stop contact. Unlike lots of similar promises I knew this would happen. I had serious doubts that they’d make it on the plane without making sure he was there with them. I pulled him in front of me on the couch and wrapped my arms around him. He wrote on his board, “Gonna miss them.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“Sucks.” He turned his head for a kiss then we zoned out for a bit.

I wanted to give the others time to clear the building. Jessica knew my idea and ran out coming back to give me the thumbs up. I agreed. I climbed out from behind Nathan and trotted into the bedroom, “Be right back.” I came back with his shoes and handed them to him, “I’m taking you for a walk.”

He smiled and wrote, “Like a puppy?”

“Yes, just like a puppy. And if you shit on the sidewalk I will rub your nose in it.” 

His eyes grew wide and he stifled a laugh. His mom wasn’t so successful and was in tears. Nathan just shook his head. He threw on his shoes and wrote a note, “Hat.”

I waited at the bedroom door with his board, taking his hand as he came out, “We’ll be back soon.”

His dad nodded, “Fresh air is a good idea.”

I kissed the back of his hand in the elevator, “You’ve got to be going stir crazy. Lunch was awesome and I thought you could use a field trip. I should have asked if you were feeling up to it.”

“Sad. Feel ok. Good idea.”

“I hope so.” I led him through the lobby. “Promise you’ll tell me if you need to go up.” He nodded and drew a cross over his heart before tapping his chest. “Love you too.” We exited the front doors to the sounds of gasps. I kissed his cheek, “They do too.” He looked at me and I knew this was a good idea. 

There weren’t ten of them. They were shaking they were so excited. Nathan dropped my hand and started hugging everyone. Once he’d made it through everyone he took his board, “Thank you, so much. Happy to see you.” He looked at me and tapped his chest.

I smiled and rubbed along his arm. They started asking questions and I answered what I could, Nathan writing out the others. They couldn’t say it enough and Nathan couldn’t hear it enough that they were glad to see him, they missed him already, and they were sending him nothing but good thoughts. It was a lot of head bobbing and pointing for the next fifteen or so minutes. He scribbled, “Gotta go! Love you all so much.” He made another round of hugs before waving as we headed back in. He threw his arm over my shoulder as we walked inside. In the elevator he grabbed me into a tight hug. 

“Yeah, I thought that might make you smile.” The kiss he delivered told me I was 100% right.

~*~Nathan~*~

Overall this had been a great day. One should ever underestimate the power of staying awake all day to improve your mood. Hanging out with the guys had felt normal. Them leaving sucked. The few minutes with the fans was a fantastic idea. They were all very sweet. This might have been the first time I've not been groped or heard inappropriate comments. I think I miss that. Spending the rest of the evening with my girl and family was just about perfect.

I think I yawned once before mom made everyone leave. I wasn't really sleepy. Also, wasn't insane. Some alone time with Kristin would do a lot for my mood too. Hugged and kissed my family good bye then grabbed Kristin in a bear hug, lifting her off her feet.

Kristin laugh, "You're not sleepy." I pulled my eyebrows together and shook a no. "Tired?" Crinkled nose and shrug. I'm a little tired, but nothing major. Kristin gave me a kiss before laying her head on my shoulder with a hug, "How about we snuggle up in bed and watch a movie?"

I lifted her off the floor again and walked us to the bedroom. Her feet were swinging as I walked. When I put her down I gave her a thumbs up and a solid nod. She ducked into the bathroom while I stripped down and climbed into bed. I put the TV on a random station, figuring we'd find something in a bit. Kristin came out of the bathroom and headed to her side of the bed. She stopped, backed up, and stood by me. I watched with amusement as she lifted the covers and went to climb over me. Only she didn't go over. She stretched out on top of me. I smiled wider with each inch of contact. Her arms were tight to my sides and her hands went under my shoulders. I spread my hands out over her back. She felt so damn good.

"You too tired for some kissing?"

She actually managed to sound serious. I shook my head very slowly. I really had to concentrate not to moan my approval with the first touch of lips. Her lips felt so soft brushing against mine. We stayed with slow chaste kisses for a long time. I let her lead, but was quick to join in when I felt the wetness of her tongue.

Something snapped. My fingers tangled in her hair, holding her oh so close. Kissing this intense hurt my throat. I didn’t care. This is worth some pain and I'm not breaking any of my rules.

All too soon she pulled away. She cocked her head to the side, making a confused face, and ground her hips against me, "What's going on here, Nathan?" I pointed at her and gave her a dirty grin with an eyebrow raise. She rolled her hips while I focused on breathing. "Think we can do this?" 

I crossed both my fingers and held them where she could see. The way she biti her lip was turning me on. I knew she was making plans. She gave me a slow lingering kiss, "You can't make noise, baby." We both knew quiet was going to be a challenge. "I want you to focus on breathing. Just breathing. You let me do the rest." Slow dirty smile. "Three strikes and we're done. No moaning, grunting, sighing, humming. Just breathing."

It's important to know that while she was delivering this lecture she was moving against my cock. I would agree to anything at this point. I’ll hold my breath the entire time. No tea for a month? Done. I was pouting when she climbs off me. She bent over and kissed my pout, "Gotta get naked for this to work"

Oh . . I'm really not meant to do anything, but breathe. I folded my hands behind my head and watched her slowly strip off her clothes. She's so gorgeous. When she came back to lay on me she kissed along the inside of my bicep. "Obviously been working out in LA." Wet kisses, wet kisses. Breathe. Breathe. Weird thing was that my deep breathing seemed to be heightening every other sensation. The kisses and touches over my chest and stomach felt even better than usual. I'll need to remember this. I lifted my ass as she tugged at my boxers. She kissed my lower stomach and hip like she didn't even know my cock was there. Always maddening. Tonight worse. Finally my cock slid between her lips, along her tongue, finally nudged the back of her throat.

My hands shot to cover my mouth the instant I moaned. Shit! It felt so good. There was a loud pop when my cock sprang free of her mouth. "That's one." 

Her word was still hanging in the air when her tongue circled the head of my cock. Breathe, Nathan. I figured out that if I closed my eyes I could split my focus between how good it felt and breathing. However, that had me getting close to orgasm too. I stroked the side of her face to get her attention, pointed at her, then crooked my finger. I'll explain it all later.

"You want inside me?" I nodded and smiled. "I want you inside me too." She started sinking down on me, "Love the way you fill me, Nathan. Feels so good." 

I nodded my agreement. Not that she would know. Her eyes were closed and she wore an expression that made her pleasure clear. This was difficult to watch in silence, and I'm sure I couldn't write while this was going on. While my focus was completely on breathing, I enjoyed the view. She moved along me in a slow rhythm. My hands were on her hips, another way to feel her move. Watching her move with me inside her was getting me there fast. I want her with me. She leaned back with a moan when my thumb started circling her clit. Now I could see my slick cock slipping into her. 

"Faster, Nath. I'm close. Very very close."

A few minutes later and I felt her start to quiver around me, then the tight grip as she came. I bit my lip hard to keep silent and I thrust up into her for my own orgasm. Damn, I felt so good now.

Kristin lay over onto me, kissing me long and slow until I fell from inside her. "That felt really good." I nodded with sex hazy eyes and let her roll beside me. I combed through her hair while she drew on my chest. This was a good quiet. A natural quiet. I let myself enjoy it and fall asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

~*~Nathan~*~

One more day in LA then home. I very much wanted to go home. Over the course of the day it was decided that mom and Jessica would come to Atlanta for a few days to see where I lived. It was kind of strange watching my mom and Kristin planning this. Together. Jessica just laughed at me. Dad had to get back to work. We all took a field trip to The Grove. I'm not an outdoorsy guy, but after all the time inside the sun felt great. Spending a few minutes again with the fans was good too. There were more this time. I guess news of my surprise visit had twitter-spread. Kristin gave me and A in following orders and I gave her nursing skills an A+. 

Change of scenery tonight. We had our Chinese takeout (soup for me, again) delivered to Jessica's room and sat around watching TV. I zoned out. Thinking. Much thinking. The conversation with Max weighed on my mind. Everyone is a puzzle. You don't need all the pieces to see the big picture. People hide or forget pieces. They put pieces in boxes for safe keeping, as some pieces are too important for everyone to see. As we get older most of us have some hidden pieces. I knew Kristin's hidden pieces. Some more than others.

Before it got too late I excused us and headed to our room. I didn't let go of her hand until I'd pulled her on my lap on the couch. She sat sideways to me with my left arm around her back, leaving my right hand free to write. Her lap made a great desk. This was the only way I could figure out to approximate a real conversation. I cleared off my board before writing, "I love you" in the upper corner. She returned the sentiment with a kiss. "I need something from you."

I got her concerned face, "What do you need, baby?"

Here we go. Since this relationship started I've learned much about the woman I love. While others may see her as cool and detached I know that's a lie. A cover. What she hides are feelings that run very deep. She's careful who she let's know that. She actually hurts easily, empathizes automatically, and loves incredibly. I'm fortunate to know that. I was about to ask about her puzzle pieces. How they fit together. I had a 50/50 shot at being blocked. In my favor was that I knew her weakness. Me.

"I need you to forgive me."

She looked confused, "For what, Nathan?"

"Scaring you. Didn't think. Selfish."

"You're not selfish." There was my smile, "And even if you were you had the right." She paused and just looked at me, "You've talked to Max."

"He worries." She got quiet. A thinking sort of quiet. Not a closed off quiet. When she started talking she seemed to focus on a spot on my shoulder. 

"The car crash was so quick. Mom died at the scene. They said it was immediate and she likely never knew what hit them. There were no skid marks or signs that she’d tried to avoid the drunk who didn't even have his lights on. I was glad that she hadn't been scared." She wiped away a tear. I'd heard what happened before, but only the facts, not her fears. I squeezed her a little closer. "I didn't know all this when I got to the hospital. They sent me to dad and he was awake enough to tell me what happened. The other car hit her side, they hit the guard rail, and that had crinkled his side. They weren't sure they could save his leg. He was scared and worried about mom. I told him I loved him and they took him to surgery. A nurse was taking me to a waiting room when a Dr. met us. He told me mom had died and all the bullshit about they did everything they could, damage too extensive. Then they took me to see her."

Tears were streaming down her face and I was questioning the wisdom of starting this. She sniffed and looked at me, her eyes were so sad, "Seeing your mom dead is the worst thing ever. All the muscle tone was gone and she didn't really look that much like herself anymore. Was so strange. All I could think of was how this was the person who had given me life, I'd lived inside her, and now she was dead. I didn't stay too long because that wasn't my mom. On the way to the surgery waiting room I called Jason. Things with us weren't great, but not horrible. He didn't pick up, so I left a message. I called Lindsey and she talked to me while she packed. I made her hang up when she got in her car." She laughed a little then. "Didn't want another wreck." I let go of my pen and held her hand. "My best friend drove for hours and made it to the hospital before my husband. Eventually found out he was with his girlfriend." I don't think I've ever hated anyone as much as I hated Jason at this moment. "Dad made it through surgery fine. I got the joy of telling him mom had died. He said he already knew. I took a week off for the funeral and to stay with him. Then I went back to work. I stayed with him after work until he made me go home. About a month later he needed another surgery to deal with some scar tissue. No big deal. It never even crossed my mind that he could die. He just didn't wake up. No reason why. Nothing medical. I think he wanted to be with mom. They had that kind of love. At first I talked to him, begging him to comeback. After four or five days I told him it was okay if he wanted to go and that I loved him. He died that night after I left."

Now I was crying too. I could not even begin to imagine that type of hurt and the amount of strength she had to do that. I would be crippled. I didn't think that after having one parent torn from me I'd be able to let the other go. She was either much stronger than me, or I had a strength I didn't know about, didn't want to have to know about. Maybe both.

"Jason was pissed through all this because he'd had to cancel a business trip. Which come to find out was a vacation with his girlfriend. He was also pissed, weirdly enough, because I didn't feel like fucking him." She looked at me with a sarcastic smile and laugh.

Couldn't stop myself. I grabbed my pen and scribbled, "Fucking douche canoe." I remember Lindsey calling him that the night we met. "HATE HIM!" 

She smiled, "Yeah, he brings that out in people. He went on his trip right after the funeral. While he was away I completely lost it. Both my parents were dead and my husband had left me. Not for real left me, but emotionally. Then I started to pull myself together and figured out I was better off without him. Him gone was better than when he was there. At least with him gone I didn't have to deal with his bullshit. The night he got back I left him. Awesome fight. He told me about his affair. I think I already knew. I moved into a piece of shit apartment until the divorce was over, saved money, and rebuilt my life. On my own terms."

Now everything made sense. I knew the pieces, but not how they fit together. I didn't know it had all happened at once. No wonder when I met her she wanted nothing more from me than recreational sex. In two months time she'd lost everyone she loved besides Lindsey. I wouldn't want to date or risk falling in love again. All I wanted was to hug her, but I was afraid I'd stop her.

"When they took you to surgery . . ." she ran her fingers through my hair and gave me a look that threatened to drown me in the waves of love coming from her eyes. Where before she was focused on that spot, now she was looking in my eyes. "I was fine until you were gone. I hit me that I wouldn't hear you say you loved me for weeks. Then it all got confused. I didn't get to tell mom I loved her or say good-bye. What if something happened and you couldn't talk again? Then I got really scared because what if you didn't wake up? That's when I hit the floor. Well, Max caught me before I hit the floor. And your mom was there. She told me that you would be fine, that she'd already done the bit where you died, and that I was just catching up. I'd been so busy taking care of you to think or eat. She made Max feed me. When they called my name after the doctor had spoken to us I was on autopilot. It felt way too familiar. Thankfully it was the same nurse and she immediately told me you were fine and just having trouble waking up."

I broke in, "Shit. No one told me this."

She smiled then sighed, "Because no one knows. I couldn't go there. You were waking up though. She told me young people sometimes get agitated and confused when they're trying to wake up. I was never so happy to see anyone as I was when I saw you." She stopped a second and pressed a long kiss to my lips. "It was like you were having bad dreams. I sat beside you, held your hand, put my hand on your face, and talked to you until you woke up. You kept trying to talk and didn't understand why you couldn't. It took maybe fifteen minutes before you were awake enough to focus on me and then you were fine. Max was the first one through the door, before your family. He sat behind me and pulled me back to lean on him. I guess he didn't want me to pass out again. I was ok by then because you were."

Thank god she was done. I couldn't take anymore. The whole bit about me was ripping me to shreds. I felt bad because I knew I'd scared her, but this is more than scaring her. This was bringing back years worth of horrible memories. All I wanted to do was squeeze the hell out of her. But this wasn’t about me and I'm not supposed to do the one thing she needs. I can come close though. I pulled her closer and shoved my board to the couch. I put my hand on her face and turned her to me. I waited until she was looking at me and mouthed the words she needed, "I love you."

She shook her head, "You're not supposed to do that."

I pulled her tight against me and broke more rules. I kissed beside her ear and whispered very carefully, "I love you, Kris."

After she said the words back I felt her body shaking. I wondered if she'd ever cried like this. Ever let it out with someone and not alone. I couldn't talk to her to soothe her. Instead I just held her tight, rubbed her back, and ran my fingers through her hair. I don't know how long we stayed like that, how long she cried in my arms. I just stayed with her. Held her. Rocked her. Loved her. Even after she stopped crying I didn't let go. Neither did she. I could tell when she fell asleep and I carried her into bed.

I owed Max a big thank you. And my mom. When I was sure Kristin was going to stay asleep I grabbed my board and headed down the hall. Mom opened the door looking worried and half asleep, "Sweetheart, you a'right? You've been crying."

Obvious, I guess. I scribbled quickly. "Thank you. Kristin. Hospital." I hoped she'd understand without more writing.

She took in a deep breath, "Oh, you're welcome. I was wrong. She clearly loves you very much and you her. She's been what you needed." I wasn't sure how she meant that, but didn't truly give a damn right now. Mom smirked a little, "Although, in my defense this isn't the relationship you had the first time you brought her home."

I stifled a laugh and shook my head. It certainly wasn't. 

"Is she a'right?"

I nodded, "Brought up old losses. She's very strong." I hugged my mom, pointed to my heart, and went back to bed.

I didn't sleep much that night. I watched over her. She got restless once and I ran my fingers over her cheek. She quieted right down. I wondered if that's how it had worked in the hospital with me. There was so much I wanted to say to her. Being unable to speak was a huge pain in the ass right now. I found a notepad and started writing.

"Morning, Nathan." She looked so beautiful as she woke up this morning. Even with the swollen red eyes she'd never looked more beautiful.

I handed her note number one. "I love you. You are amazing and I might be the luckiest man alive."

I got a kiss and an "I love you, too." 

I handed her note number two and she snickered, "I can't imagine having all that happen in such a short time. You are so strong."

"Did you miss the part when I lost it? I stayed in bed for a week."

Grrr, have to write more. I didn't prepare for her talking back. "Doesn't matter. You let go, you left, and you got out of bed. Some people never get out of bed."

She nodded and curled her lips in, "Thank you."

Note three was delivered as I shook my head no, "Thank you."

"For what?"

I was glad I'd written this instead of waiting. It took up a few notes that I handed her one at a time. "Thank you for loving me. For being brave enough to let me in. I understand now. Back then I didn't get why you fought me so much. I wasn't afraid to fall in love with you. I was afraid you'd break up with me for it though." 

She kissed me again, "I considered it."

Next. "You lost so much so fast. Falling in love with me must have been terrifying. I don't know if I could do it. Never knew how difficult that had to be. Thank you for being brave enough to love me."

"I didn't say anything then because we were too young. You were too young. I needed to either figure it out, let it go, or let you go. Letting you go was scarier than falling in love with you. You're a pretty special man, Nath."

I smiled and handed her the next page. "Thank you for last night. For trusting me, for talking, and letting me be there for you. First time since the Bahamas I haven't felt weak. Felt like a man again."

She scooted over and curled up on my chest, let me hold her, "We need to go home." She kissed my chest then looked up at me. "You're a very good man, Nathan."

I didn't want this to switch to her reassuring me. That's not what I meant to happen. I grabbed my board, "Thank you for letting me be your man."

I could see by the look on her face that she understood, "Your welcome, baby boy." 

I glared at her playfully before rolling over to be on top of her. Our kiss grew and she let me be a man. A very quiet man. To compensate for my silence I made her make enough noise for both of us.


End file.
